Invite Relaxation
Wanting to feel calmer can undermine the very process that creates calm.
One of the easiest ways to make relaxation elusive is deciding you need to be relaxed.
This is problematic—not because relaxing is bad, but because we get in the habit of constantly evaluating, every few seconds, “Am I relaxed yet?”
That question quietly turns mindfulness into yet another chore—something that’s supposed to be good for you, but ends up making you feel like you lack an innate aptitude that others possess.
A coaching client recently described feeling frustrated in his efforts to reestablish a meditation routine because so many sessions felt restless rather than focused. He remembered having more momentum in the past and wondered if that ability had disappeared.
Even though he knew that every meditation was beneficial, just as every physical workout is worth the effort, he started to wonder whether the fragmented feeling meant his previous approach no longer worked.
One of the biggest hurdles to starting or returning to a meditation practice is yearning for a desired outcome that feels just out of reach. Ironically, craving the momentum and flow that regular practice can bring often hinders the very process that leads to it.
We used what we both know about adjusting expectations with physical exercise to find a way through his current frustration.
We talked about how both physical and attentional fitness exercises play out in phases.
Sometimes a session is mostly about arriving. We enter the gym, jump into the pool, or start running, carrying the residue of what came before and the time since our last workout.
Sometimes things settle. If you know the difference between warming up and being warmed up, you’re less likely to interpret the discomfort you feel while warming up as a sign to spend your time and energy elsewhere.
Sometimes, momentum develops. Most people who consistently work out or meditate have tasted what it’s like on the other side of warming up. Even when traction doesn’t appear, we trust that if we keep showing up, it will resurface and remind us why we persist, even on the harder days.
Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that every session will unfold in our favorite blend of arrival, settling, and traction. Self-care is a long game, and eventually we make peace with sessions that feel like nothing but arrival.
Or we don’t, and risk missing out on what’s possible if we learned to celebrate simply showing up, rather than chasing the flow we hope to rediscover.
We can’t always relax deeply.
We can’t always feel comfortable from head to toe.
But we can always look for a comfortable sensation somewhere in the body. It’s usually there somewhere, and it’s essential to develop the willingness to look.
And we can practice inviting the body to relax—even just a little—whether it accepts the invitation or not.
Today’s exercise isn’t asking you to become relaxed.
It’s asking you to notice where relaxation already exists—even if it’s just in your hands, your jaw, or a single foot.
Partial, low-key relaxation can sound like a consolation prize, but savoring it—instead of trying to force it to be more—actually creates the ideal conditions for relaxation to spread naturally, at its own pace.
You don’t have to wait until your mind and your whole body cooperate before mindfulness begins.
If all you do today is arrive, notice one comfortable sensation, and soften the impulse to argue with the rest of your experience, you’ve already practiced something worthwhile—one you won’t regret.
Exercise
It’s easy to get fixated on outcomes and lose sight of the process that gets us there. This exercise shifts attention from forcing relaxation to meeting experience with gentle awareness, letting relaxation emerge in its own time.
Circumstances for learning this attention exercise
Before starting your workday
During a midworkday break
At the end of your workday to ease into the evening
