Most mindfulness instruction, the kind that sells a lot of app subscriptions, is built around a single strategy. Find the perfect conditions, and try to feel something you don’t currently feel.
The Dominant and Profitable Model: Mindfulness as Escape
The guided meditations often ask you to find a quiet space, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and relax. The app might provide some ambient music you wouldn’t normally listen to. The teacher has a more soothing voice than anyone you’ve ever known, which makes them sound as if they live in a different world than you do. Everything is designed to help you arrive at a calm, clear, and unperturbed state that stands in stark contrast to the one you started with, and the implication is that it should only take you about ten minutes to get there.
This approach views mindfulness practice as a way to recover from life. A break from routine. A method to step outside the noise and restore yourself to some elusive, mythical balance.
I understand why this is attractive. The world and other people can be relentless. Adult life can be draining. The idea of a dependable escape route has an obvious and relatable appeal. However, there are serious issues with this profitable model.
Trying to force yourself to feel something you’re not actually experiencing isn’t mindfulness. It’s internal micromanagement that overlooks the real issue of how we react to things outside our control. It’s an attempt to make yourself feel differently without learning to respond differently.
The result is a practice that appeals to almost everyone in theory and works for almost no one in practice. It's not that people aren’t trying, but because the model doesn’t actually teach them how to practice relating to however they really feel.
Also, when the guided instruction is seen as an antidote to what makes life challenging, the student learns to meditate with the training wheels on permanently. They don’t learn to practice in the constantly fluctuating circumstances of their lives. They learn how to follow along as if the context is irrelevant.
When you take away the guidance, there’s no internalized skill to draw from.
The Challenging but Liberating Model: Mindfulness as a Skill
A less popular but more empowering approach frames the practice as a way to connect with being alive, no matter what is happening at any moment. It views mindfulness not as a special feeling but as a trainable skill. And like any skill, it must be cultivated intentionally, practiced imperfectly, and used in the real conditions you face rather than the ones you wish for.
This reframing has three practical implications.
The first is about the context. Instead of waiting for or creating perfect circumstances, you work with whatever is available. An anxious mind. The ten minutes between meetings. Listening to the insurance company’s hold music and intermittent reminders about how important your call is. The skill is learning to adapt the practice to the situation, not to change the situation until it’s suitable for practice.
The second is about your internal state. Instead of trying to generate a feeling you don’t have, start with whatever you’re feeling, whether or not there’s a good reason or a clear way to describe it. If you’re tense, begin with tension. If you’re distracted, start with distraction. The instruction isn’t “become relaxed” — it’s “notice what’s actually here, and see what happens when you stop fighting it.” Surrender to your current state instead of waiting for an exemption from it.
The third is about agency. Good instruction should eventually make itself unnecessary. Think about how you’d teach someone to do a physical therapy exercise to increase their range of motion and reduce their pain. You might need to describe it multiple times, demonstrate what it looks like when done correctly, and provide a picture and written description for them to refer to. The goal isn’t for them to need the physical therapist to follow through with the plan, but for them to eventually have a clear enough understanding of the movement so they can perform and adjust it on their own, even when it’s difficult.
That’s what mindfulness instruction should do. It should help you internalize the coaching so you can develop your attention skills in ways that fit your life.
Why This Is Hard to Market
This approach is hard to turn into a business.
The mainstream model is appealing because it promises relief and claims to provide a more pleasant experience quickly and effortlessly. You can build an app around it. You can sell courses. You can promote subscriptions. You can gather feedback from people who report feeling calmer. Whether that calmness lasts or quickly evaporates is harder to measure and easier to overlook.
What I’m describing is messier. Individual results vary. Transformation is gradual and often feels elusive. The daily effort is small, but it adds up over months and years. The results aren’t usually dramatic.
The practice asks a lot from people. Not to be soothed, but to be curious. Not to escape their experience, but to inhabit it more fully. Not to eliminate uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but to learn to relate to them more effectively.
That’s a tougher pitch. It probably won’t appeal to everyone, or even most people.
But for the people it reaches—the ones who are willing to experiment without a guaranteed outcome, to invest without a clear timeline, and to sit with discomfort rather than try to engineer it away—the return is something the other model can’t offer.
What the Reward Actually Looks Like
The benefit of a skill-based approach to mindfulness practice isn’t revealed when everything is going well. It comes at the moments you didn’t expect—the situations you didn’t want, the circumstances you’d rather wish away.
Someone who has practiced this way long enough will find themselves, without having planned it, in difficult moments—a conflict, a loss, an unexpected grief—and instead of freezing, fleeing, or pushing through on autopilot, they will notice what it’s like to be alive in it. Not necessarily transcendently, though it can sometimes feel temporarily transcendent. Not without pain, but maybe a little less downstream misery. Not without alarm, but also with a kind of presence and composure that doesn’t require ideal conditions.
That's the grace this practice guides you toward. Not a feeling you micromanage alone in silent rooms, but a liberating ability that can emerge even when quiet isn't available.
Exercise
This exercise helps you develop equanimity by training you to spread your attention so broadly that you don’t get caught up resisting any one detail.
If you find yourself waiting for it to “work” or feel a certain way, that’s worth noticing. The instruction isn’t designed to produce a specific state. It’s designed to help you become more familiar with the one you’re already in.
Circumstances for learning this attention exercise
Before a difficult conversation
During a boring or stimulating meeting
After a workout
Click above to listen to the attention exercise.
Settle into practice. Find a comfortable position. Don’t try to relax. Before you do anything, just notice what’s present. Tension? A busy mind? Tiredness?
Ask yourself: What does my body feel like right now?
If possible, try to name it loosely, without approaching it as a problem to solve.
This is your starting material — not an obstacle to the practice, but the practice itself.
Notice your whole body. Try to notice as many sensations as possible, all at once. Don’t try to soften tension, breathe fatigue away, or replace what you feel with something more comfortable. Let it be exactly what it is, for a little longer than feels comfortable.
Zoom in and out simultaneously. Choose a specific body sensation to notice closely. You can pick one that calls out to you, or just pick one at random. Explore both of these options and treat them as equally valid.
Now, try to observe the sensation for a few seconds while also staying in touch with the whole body.
Sensations, when met with sustained, non-coercive attention, rarely remain static. They shift, soften, clarify, or intensify — often in surprising ways. You don’t need to interpret this. Just observe. Give them plenty of room to behave however they need to.
Carry into daily life. As you go through your day, periodically bring this theme into ordinary moments without anyone noticing.
When you notice a challenging emotional feeling, acknowledge it while also feeling the rest of your body.
When you notice an itch, ache, or some other discomfort, notice it and the whole body.
When you notice warmth, relief, or another pleasant sensation, hold it and your whole body in your awareness at the same time.
The goal is to hold both the specific and the whole at once, gently and curiously.
“Lost” by David Wagoner Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here, And you must treat it as a powerful stranger, Must ask permission to know it and be known. The forest breathes. Listen. It answers, I have made this place around you. If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here. No two trees are the same to Raven. No two branches are the same to Wren. If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you, You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows Where you are. You must let it find you.
Yes, yes, all this, YES!! Thank you.